This is not a poem.
I don’t think I’ll ever tell them that in just 5 hours spent together, those two boys managed to change who I want to be. Who I am.
No one else really knows what has happened in my relationships.
I never once told anyone that I strongly believe my first boyfriend, my first love, was sick of me long before we stopped dating. I think he cheated.
I never told anyone that the nerdy innocent friend of his I dated next came close to sexually assaulting me, and I had to punch him when he wouldn’t stop.
I never told anyone that I was emotionally abused by the boy I cared the most about, months later. I’m scared to be around him and be sucked back into the same cycle like I did a million other times. I wish I could say I was brave and ended it, but it was him.
They’re just two boys. One is Brazilian foreign exchange student, who helplessly attracts girls with his friendliness and talent. The other is a shy smart-ass Filipino who can’t help but flirt with every single girl. For the longest I had convinced myself I had feelings for them, when in reality, I just felt at home.
I was with them yesterday, the very last time I’ll see my exchange student before he goes home to his own family. We sat on the long green grass by the harbour and just talked for hours, and I have never felt more comfortable around anyone.
For the first time, I told them both everything about my relationships, minus the last one. They already have a lower opinion of the boy because of me, and it didn’t seem fair.
I’ve never had anyone make me feel so protected before. Not the boyfriends, not my friends, not my brother, no one. They made me feel okay again, and said they did not approve of my exs’ actions. Even if the offer to beat them up was only a joke, it meant everything. I just honestly felt safe and secure, and like nothing bad would ever happen again, because of them.
I know that sounds foolish. Maybe it’s because I haven’t ever had that in my life before, but I really felt different. I just always feel like I belong around both of them, and with social anxiety, that’s really hard to achieve.
Too bad I’m losing one of them on Wednesday.